Apologizing - The Do's, Don'ts & Why Some People Just Can't

Shifting From the Left Hemisphere Self Focus to Right Hemisphere Big Picture

Decreasing Stress & Increasing Connection

Carrying regret for hurting someone with our actions or words is stressful. As uncomfortable as it may be, sincerely apologizing is the only way to remove that stress, lessen the hurt we caused, and attempt to repair our relationship. Our minds and bodies want us to be right with ourselves and those we care about. 

We each know what, if anything, we need to apologize for. Maybe it wasn’t what we said, but how we said it. Maybe it wasn’t what we did, but what we didn’t do. Maybe we didn’t show care when we should have.

Moving From the Left Brain to the Right Brain

Before apologizing, it’s worth recognizing the bigger picture. Usually, when we hurt someone else, we’re self-focused. We’ve lost sight of the bigger picture that involves the other person, their feelings, and their experience. 

If we can get that right, our apology will be more meaningful.  

Don’t Make Excuses

“I’m sorry, BUT….”  Once we say “but,” the apology takes a nose dive.  For the person we’re apologizing to, we have added further insult to injury…When we say “but,” we are about to make an excuse or set the stage to blame the other person for our actions.”   If we ever want to get it right, we’ll have even more repair work.  

“Never ruin an apology with an excuse.”

― Benjamin Franklin

A similar problematic statement is, “I’m sorry.  If you hadn’t….then I wouldn’t have….”   It’s not an apology if we intend to set the other person straight.  If they are also at fault, they can do their work and make their apology if they want to.  Apologies aren’t transactional.  We can be sorry for our actions even if the other person isn’t sorry for theirs.  More often, however, one person having the courage to apologize creates a safer space for the other person to do the same.

Don’t Over Apologize

“I’m SOOO SORRY…I feel terrible.  I can't stop thinking about what I did. I’ve been losing sleep.  I really hope you can forgive ME….…..” This is an “all about me” apology.  It may feel sincere, but at the core, it’s an attempt to get the other person to relieve us of our discomfort.  When we’ve messed up, it’s up to us to sit in our discomfort and not burden the person we’ve hurt.  If we try to, they will feel it.  When we apologize, we have to put ourselves aside and focus on the other person's experience.