Though we are wired for connection, we’re also separate human beings. How we navigate these two realities can make all the difference in the quality of our relationships and our lives. Our relationships can be with the family we grew up in, our friendships, romantic relationships, partnerships, marriage and the families we create.
In this newsletter, using Murray Bowen, MD’s Family Systems Theory, I’ll discuss:
The tension that exists in couples and families because of the need to be together, but also to be separate.
What being out of balance can look like in a “system.”
What this can look like for us individually.
How we can move towards more balance in our relationships.
We don’t need to be in a relationship to be impacted by these forces. We all carry within us expectations of togetherness and separateness from the families we grew up in. Our parents carried their own norms based on their families of origin. Through our repeated experiences, our neuronal pathways are reinforced. They can impact how comforting or threatening togetherness feels and how comforting or threatening separateness feels. Other factors, which I’m not focusing on here, such as toxicity, can also impact how safe we feel.
Here are 10 thoughts:
1. System
A system can be two people, a family or any group. When thinking about systems, the focus is not on the individual. Instead, there is a recognition that what affects one person, affects the others in the system. This is not unlike a threat response moving through a herd of animals; when one person is stressed, the others feel it. At the same time, a symptom or “pathology” in one person is considered a pathology in the system. As with any theory, again, this doesn’t account for everything (including many other underlying “root causes” that I write about), but it certainly speaks to the ubiquitous and invisible forces that can be adding to chronic stress and impacting our wellbeing and keeping us from healing or thriving.
2. “Anxiety”
In all relationships there exists an emotional tension that comes largely out of a pull between the competing goals - the need for togetherness and the need for separateness. While togetherness can lower anxiety (when we feel stressed we pull together), too much togetherness can raise anxiety (we lose ourselves).
3. Fusion
Fusion is the giving up of part of ourselves to be part of the system, with all the benefits that come with that. How much we give to the system inevitably takes away from how much we have left for ourselves individually. This amount of fusion differs in families. We each bring an idea of how much of ourselves we give (or lose) in the systems we enter or create. There is a lot of fluidity here and this is not all or none. Stress upon the system will add to the fusion. The problems come when things aren’t fluid, when things become fixed and intractable. In this case, that tension or “anxiety” can show up as:
Conflict - in its many shapes and forms.
Emotional Distance - pulling away, disengagement, emotional cutoffs.
Dysfunction - e.g. some members dominate and others are forced to submit.
Sickness and Addiction - While there are many ways we can become sick (as I write a lot about), the stress of a highly anxious and fused system can add to chronic stress, which further impacts health. The movie, “When a Man Loves a Woman”, is one example. The movie is about addiction in a family. Meg Ryan’s character, who becomes dependent on alcohol, is the carrier of anxiety for the family (from a Family Systems perspective). Her illness further increases the anxiety in the family. From this perspective, her healing is very much intertwined with the healing of the system and with her own “differentiation”, which I discuss below.
Projecting the anxiety between the parents onto the children - The anxiety gets passed around the system and will often land on the children. This deserves its own newsletter, but for now…
4. Triangles
When two people have tension, they shift or project that anxiety onto a third party or focus. A couple might focus on their child to avoid marital conflict. A spouse or partner might work excessively, spend all their free time with friends, have an affair, become increasingly ill or develop an addiction. Two friends might talk about another friend. This also creates a triangle. As does a parent talking to one of their children about their spouse. They may turn to their child for emotional support and “parentify” their child. Siblings may talk about each other to a parent or other siblings. Not only are these symptoms of high anxiety in the system, they also further raise anxiety in the system by diminishing trust.
5. Differentiation
Though Bowen’s theory is focused on the systems, there is a recognition of the individual. Differentiation involves two main aspects:
Balance between connection and separateness (as in the system)
Balance between being guided by our feelings and being guided by our thoughts.
Without some insight here, we are more susceptible to participating in the spread of anxiety through a system. Differentiation (per Bowen’s Theory) can be measured on a scale from 1- 100. Bowen would say that our baseline is mostly fixed from the time we leave home and that we will partner with people who are on the same level. It is rare to be above 60. We can fluctuate from how differentiated we are, depending on how much stress we are under or how many tools we’ve learned. The person who is the least differentiated will often be the bearer of symptoms. I would say that there are physiologic drivers that separately can be addressed that can lower our emotional reactivity (high copper, high pyrroles, as two examples) and improve our ability to pause and be thoughtful about a situation.
6. Lower Levels of Differentiation
You will recognize these traits. Keep in mind, however, that this is less about an individual and more about an individual in a system. Within a family there can be differences in how differentiated members are.
More emotionally reactive (within the system)
Difficulty engaging in thoughtful behavior
Difficulty saying no
Difficulty communicating directly
More critical and judgmental
More concerned about approval
Dependent on others
Difficulty making decisions
More prone to conflict, emotional distancing and triangles
More physical problems, emotional problems, social problems
Repeat problematic relationships, rather than learning from their mistakes
(Paraphrased from the Psychology in Seattle podcast)
7. Factors that Impact Our Level of Differentiation
Family of origin. We could have come from a family that encouraged togetherness and not autonomy. Families differ in terms of norms about how much each is in the other's physical, emotional or psychic space. Appropriate boundaries can mean very different things even among cultures.
Enmeshment - describes a system in which there is not enough separateness.
Disengagement - describes a system in which family members are entirely emotionally separate from one another.
Culture. Until recent the increased awareness about “love bombing”, many movies celebrated stories in which one person swoops in, rescues or overwhelms the other with gifts and attention, with little regard for the other person’s separate wishes and desires. Even with more evolved love stories, we rarely see a couple navigating the challenges of togetherness and separateness as they begin their day to day life together. We also live in a culture that normalizes telling other people what to do, or what I now call stomping on the soul of another (thank you Parker Palmer) with our good intentions. Honoring the separate thoughts, feelings and desires of another and learning how to listen are not sufficiently valued.
Stress in a System. Things happen to the system, sometimes awful things. Naturally this increases fusion, but if the system gets stuck there, this can lead to additional stress.
8. Higher Levels of Differentiation
The more differentiated we are, the more we can enjoy fulfilling relationships, be independent, be able to self-soothe and have overall better health and wellbeing. When we are differentiated and not in a relationship, we are able to be content, live fully rather than wait for someone to come and complete, rescue or heal us. When we are differentiated, we are:
Not reactive, but calm and able to recognize emotions and not repress or act them out. We are less susceptible to taking the hot potato (the anxiety in the system) and running with it.
Thoughtful about what is happening and about others
Not giving in to others
Less vulnerable to stress
Independent
Less prone to triangles
9. How Do We Become More Differentiated?
Learn coping skills. For example, learn strategies for staying calm.
Learn about “boundaries,” which include:
Stay focused on one’s own experience. Use “I think” and “I feel” statements, instead of speaking on behalf of others or talking about perceived thoughts, feelings and intentions of others.
Avoid triangles. This requires communication between two people, so that a third person, or focus isn’t brought in an attempt to diffuse the anxiety.
Within families or groups:
Don’t take sides.
Avoid becoming part of a triangle. If you find yourself talking about one family member with another family member, that could be a triangle. I see an exception to this when parents have the shared job of figuring out together how to meet the needs of their children. That’s different from their excessively focusing on a child to avoid tension in the marriage.
Have one-on-one contact with each family member and avoid communicating through other family members. Again, avoid triangles. That doesn't mean to not be together as a family.
Look at patterns in the family you grew up in. How much tension or anxiety was in the system? How did it move? Was there frequent conflict, distancing, triangles, addiction or illness? How do these experiences shape our expectation of what it means to be together or to be separate? A funny example of someone taking this “return to the family of origin” to heart, is Albert Brook’s character in the movie “Mother”. After multiple failed relationships, he moves home to work through his relationship with his mother, played by Debbie Reynolds. His ultimate intention is to differentiate so that he will be better able to find and have a healthier relationship.
Consider learning systems theory. It will change not only how you see relationships, but other groups and systems, including global systems. There are some great videos on YouTube. The book, “The Eight Concepts of Bowen Theory” by Roberta M. Gilbert, M.D. is a nice concise summary.
Learn to assume responsibility for your own life. This may sound obvious, but, if you grew up in a family where there was a great deal of fusion, it could be easy to blame, to over-function at the expense of yourself or under-function and expect someone else to do the hard work of achieving your goals.
10. Can One Person Change a System From Within?
Obviously this will depend on many factors. I do think it can be problematic for someone, especially someone who over-functions to believe that they can single-handedly fix their family of origin, their partnership/ marriage, or their current family.
Recently, however, I’ve noticed multiple social media ads by family therapists and coaches targeting women who are unhappy in their relationships. They emphasize that the partners do not need to be involved, which would seem counter to some family and couples therapy, since the expressed goal is to transform the relationship. Their intention, I want to think, is to attempt to influence the system from within - by helping one person in the system, shore up their boundaries, increase their self-care, avoid persistent over-functioning and learn to communicate their feelings and thoughts - to essentially help them become differentiated.
From a systems perspective - if one person can bring high anxiety to a system and it, spreads like wildfire, then one person could potentially bring a calm confident presence that passes over the family like a wave or at the very least starts “ripples of change.”
If this is possible, it would require a healthy enough system or partner.
I’d love to know what you think about this idea of one person creating change in a system. I’d also love to hear any recommendations on movies that this topic of “systems” brings to mind.
Until next time,
Courtney
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Medical Disclaimer:
This newsletter is for educational purposes and not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment for either yourself or others, including but not limited to patients that you are treating (if you are a practitioner). Consult your own physician for any medical issues that you may be having.
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