Befriending Uncertainty: Why & How

Learning to Surf the Wave of Life

Feb 24, 2024

Though not commonly discussed in psychiatry, our ability to be okay with the inevitable uncertainty of life is extremely important to our wellbeing.

In this newsletter, I’ll discuss:

The impacts that clinging to certainty
Why we vary in terms of our natural tendency to roll with the unexpected
How we can take advantage of neuroplasticity and rewire our relationship with the future (and the past)
Why the skill of befriending uncertainty is not about passivity

As I type this newsletter, I can’t help but think about Alexey Navalny (Russian opposition leader) and his wife Yulia. I wonder how they lived so purposefully, fearlessly and seemingly so fully in the face of the unexpected. Apparently shortly before his death, Navlany was joking with a judge. Despite the chronic danger, he must have had an extraordinary ability to stay present in his life and with others.

Here are ten thoughts:

Fundamental Groundlessness.
“Looking deeper, we could say that the real cause of suffering is not being able to tolerate uncertainty—and thinking that it’s perfectly sane, perfectly normal, to deny the fundamental groundlessness of being human.” – Pema Chödrön
Life Can be Painful. It is inevitable that we will experience painful events in our life. Things won’t work out as we’d hoped. At times we will fail at what we’ve set out to do. The course of our lives can change on a dime. Inevitably, our lives will end. We can’t change these realities. Nor can we erase the feelings of sadness or even anger that come with those events. Our job is to be human, with all the joy and struggle, connection and loss and success and failure.

Impacts of Clinging & Grasping. When we hold tightly to expectations, we create tension in our bodies. That tension impacts our physiology - our immune system, stress hormone pathways and our autonomic nervous system. Tension may spill out as anger or irritability or keeps us from being present - not great for us or those around us. Not only does tension suck the joy out of life, over time, it can make us sick. No matter how grasping and tense we are, the realities of life and our humanity will still exist. If we can learn to befriend uncertainty, that tension falls away. We can shift from a life of running up a hill to cruising on a bike - legs out to the side.
Rewiring Our Relationship to the Future (and the Past). It’s easy to say we all have a choice to cling tightly to outcomes or to roll with whatever comes our way. Instead, I would say, we can all rewire our relationship to the future. But first we have to know that’s even possible. Neuroplasticity, the ability to rewire our brain, is an amazing gift. We actually can retrain our brain from worrying about the future to learning to live with ease and openness. We can also train our brain to replace disappointment with a desire to find meaning in an experience that didn’t meet our expectations.
“You can't stop the waves but you can learn how to surf.” - Hawaiian Proverb.
Temperament, Methylation & Experience. We all vary in how easily we surf the wave of life and how easily we feel threatened by certain outcomes. For those of us who are undermethylated and thus more naturally left brained, we can have more difficulty letting go of certainly. Remember, the left brain is more linear in its thinking and more likely to judge something as good or bad. It’s masterful at determining exactly what needs to happen and how. The right brain, however, can see the bigger picture and hold an openness to possibility. The right brain sees the detour as a potential adventure.. Aside from our biochemistry and hemispheric leanings, our life experiences, especially our early life experiences, can play a role. Controlling outcomes, as much as possible, may have served us well. We may have even been rewarded for our accomplishments. We may have been good at “making things happen.” Add to this, a culture that tells us we are masters of our destiny. “Doership”, however, can keep us from being present. When the journey becomes unexpectedly circuitous, we can feel like a failure. But where we fail is thinking too rigidly and thinking too small about our lives.
Trust - Detaching from Certainty. What does this even mean??? It means having a belief or growing a belief that your answers will come - that all we need right now is in front of us. All we need right now is to listen to our inner knowing. When we turn that corner, our next answer will be revealed.

“As you start to walk on your way, the way appears.” - Rumi

“Faith is taking the first step even when you don’t see the whole staircase.” - Martin Luther King, Jr.

Shifting From a Left Brain to Right Brain Perspective. Here’s a little exercise: Think about something in your life right now - a situation at work, a project, a travel plan, an upcoming event or gathering. Now think about what your expectations are….what you think needs to happen. Now, throw out that notion. Be open and trust whatever is supposed to happen will happen. Instead of thinking about what you want to happen, shift your thinking to curiosity. You might even ask the universe to use you for the highest outcome. Be open to the possibility that the outcome may be more than you imagined. Notice, if you are able to make this mental shift, if you feel a shift in your body. Whatever does end up happening, if we can let go of those expectations, we will be more present, more receptive and more alive.
Practice. Rewiring these pathways doesn't require blocking off time each day. Fortunately, we have endless opportunities throughout the day to catch ourselves thinking about how something will turn out. We can quickly reframe or shift our thoughts from “this needs to happen” or “what if it doesn’t happen” to the bigger picture of “let’s see what happens” and when it’s not the imagined ideal, looking for meaning - “What can I learn from this” or even, “What is the universe trying to tell me?” Stuck in your car waiting for a long train? Take a deep breath. Maybe you needed this moment in your day to pause (you’re going to be pausing either way). The road has an unexpected detour. Enjoy the adventure. Look for the meaning. All this will do is enrich your life ...and again, you're going to have to take that detour whether you are kicking and screaming or rolling along with where it takes you. Making this mind shift repeatedly will eventually lead to a place where there is no shift needed. You’ll land more automatically in openness and curiosity.

Reinforcements. It does help if you have someone in your life who speaks the same language, so that when that flight gets canceled, they understand why instead of getting frustrated, you’re still calm and content. It’s not about ignoring negative feelings. The negative feelings just aren’t there (especially when it comes to something that’s not terribly significant in the big picture of life). If there is a feeling, it’s more likely gratitude that you don’t have to feel angry, overwhelmed or victimized like many at the airport will. There are situations, however, that are more significant, such as having a serious medical condition or risk of separation from those you love. Naturally there will be fear and even sadness and anger. But even in these most difficult of situations, if we’ve practiced this way of being in the world, we will be less shaken and can still hold a level of trust in our ability to be present and our ability to take one step at a time.

Not Passivity, But Co-creation. When it comes to surfing, the surfer is active. They have trained. But, they know they don’t control the wave. Instead, they are responsive to the wave. They are feeling what to do next. To embrace uncertainty isn’t about being passive and waiting for the wave to pick us up. It’s about recognizing that we are co-creating with life. Our job is to do our part, know when to let go, and then respond to what life has in store for us.

If you’ve made this shift in your own life, consider sharing your experience.

Holistic Psychiatry

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