Narcissistic Relationships & Healing
Popular Terminology, Relationship Dynamics & Moving Beyond
In the last newsletter, I discussed narcissistic personality disorder - its distinct traits, seeming causes, prognosis, and course.
In this newsletter, I’ll discuss:
the more nuanced understanding of narcissism in our culture,
the experience of those hurt in narcissistic relationships and
tools for self-preservation and healing.
This topic is particularly important for those of us who are highly sensitive and more permeable to the energies of others. But, anyone can be vulnerable to the masterful manipulation and self-serving behaviors of another. This could be in workplace settings, communities, if not friendships and romantic relationships.
Unless we think like narcissists (which most of us don’t), it’s difficult to imagine such self-serving motivations. That lack of imagination, however, can get us into trouble.
Narcissism in Our Culture
The good news is that there is a growing understanding of narcissism. Because of this, many are better able to recognize the “red flags.” For those who have been hurt by someone with a narcissistic personality, there is more information to help them make sense of their experience.
The bad news is the overuse of the label narcissist. The term elicits anger, which social media is glad to run with. One example is the message that all will be good when you can “show them…show them how happy you are without them, and show them what they are missing.” The problem here is that the focus is still on “them.”
It can be easy to forget that “narcissists” are wounded people who wound others. While we definitely should have our feelings about our painful experiences, understanding the woundedness of a narcissist can be essential to make sense of the relationship, not carry resentment, and protect ourselves from unhealthy dynamics in the future.
Being in a relationship with narcissists can make us sick. The stress can be oppressive, even while being difficult for us to understand why. Holding onto anger and resentment can also make us sick. Ultimately, the goal is to heal from painful relationships and move on.
Good or bad, cultural references abound. Relative to a clinical diagnosis, they are more nuanced. They speak to the dynamics in narcissistic relationships, including descriptions of those that narcissists are attracted to and those who are attracted to narcissists.
Control and “Too Much of a Good Thing”
Energy Vampire. A person who leaves you feeling depleted both emotionally and mentally. They drain your energy. This is not a clinical term.
Love Bombing. “Overly affectionate behavior that typically occurs at the beginning of a relationship, often a romantic one, in which one party “bombs” the other with over-the-top displays of adoration and attention.” *
Need To Keep the Other Diminished
Gaslighting - “Gaslighting is an insidious form of manipulation and psychological control. Victims of gaslighting are deliberately and systematically fed false information that leads them to question what they know to be true, often about themselves. They may end up doubting their memory, perception, and even sanity.” Psychology Today
Smoke and Mirrors: “Something intended to disguise or draw attention away from an often embarrassing or unpleasant issue” (Webster). I list this because it speaks to the confusion that can be experienced as a result of deliberate psychological manipulation.
When Control is Lost
Narcissistic Injury. This occurs when someone with narcissism doesn’t get what they want, is told no, is criticized, or perceives abandonment. This results in overwhelm of their defense mechanisms and damage to their already fragile sense of self-worth. Anger or even rage can occur when someone sets an appropriate boundary. Fear of this anger (by those who may want and need to set boundaries) permeates the relationship and is part of the control.
Malignant Narcissism. This is narcissism amplified. It is more extreme, aggressive, and abusive and can involve antisocial (sociopathic), sadistic behavior, and grandiosity.
Supporting Roles
Flying Monkeys. This term is “used in psychology to describe people who do the bidding of an abusive or narcissistic person. The term comes from The Wizard of Oz, where the Wicked Witch of the West uses flying monkeys to do evil deeds. In the movie, the monkeys follow the witch's instructions without question, even when doing something wrong. “ - Melanie Tonia Evans.
Who Are Those With Narcissism Often Attracted To?
“Appear Special.” Those who they think will “make them look good” - who others will perceive as special because of their appearance, abilities, and/or professional stature. These individuals may or may not have narcissistic tendencies themselves.
Codependent describes someone who loses themselves in the name of helping another. In this case, they lose themself to serve the image or ego of the narcissist.
Echoist describes someone afraid to be the center of attention, not comfortable with the idea of being “special,” afraid to be a burden to others, and unable to identify and express what they want. They can be fiercely self-reliant and are not likely to share their concerns or stressors with others, but can be good listeners and sounding boards for others. They’re often drawn to narcissists who will gladly take up the space in a room that echoists are afraid to occupy. They may have had a narcissistic parent who shamed or punished them for expressing their feelings or needs. This is an adaptive survival strategy that is maladaptive in adulthood.
Actions of Partners:
Echoing as described above.
Denying Their Needs (as in codependency). A more extreme form of this is..
Fawning, coined by psychotherapist Pete Walker. He described fawning as the fourth “F” of trauma responses: Fight, Flight, Freeze, and Fawn. This response can be common for people who have or are experiencing long-term relational trauma. This can look like over-accommodating or appeasing and submitting to the person causing harm. This survival trait requires abandoning one's experience, feelings, and needs.
Abuse Amnesia. This is when there is physical, verbal, sexual, or emotional abuse, followed by the victim and perpetrator acting as if it never happened. This can be a symptom of dissociative amnesia, which makes it difficult to remember important, distressing, or upsetting events. This is more likely to occur with severe or long-term trauma.
Self Preservation & Leaving a Narcissistic Relationship
Boundaries. Learn to set healthy boundaries. This is not easy if we grew up in a home with unhealthy boundaries. This is how many of us end up in narcissistic relationships. But boundaries can be learned just like anything else. These boundaries help separate the wants and desires of the other person from our own. They are also a way to tell someone with narcissism that we’re no longer serving their needs or ego.
Clear and Concise Communication is one way to set boundaries. When we over-elaborate, defend, rationalize, or use too many words, we create opportunities for our words to be manipulated or misunderstood. When we say no, we don’t need to follow up on why.
Detached Observation. We can aspire to this when entering a conversation with someone with narcissism. We can imagine floating above the conversation and recognizing that we are each separate individuals with our own experiences, desires, and ways of viewing the world. We don’t need to be reactive or respond to their unconscious or unconscious desire to manipulate. This floating above can paradoxically help us stay grounded and present without being pulled into an emotional state we’ll regret later. Boundaries also help create space so that we can….
Listen Inwardly. There are endless ways to tap into our inner wisdom—walks in nature, journaling, meditating, spending time alone, or talking to others who listen well and can help us think out loud.
Know Thyself: We can learn to recognize our desires, preferences, and needs. If we’ve constantly focused on the needs of others, we may not know, and it can take time to learn and enjoy discovering that. If the relationship was one that we chose, we can have curiosity about how we got here. What was our early life like? What is our temperament like?
Self-compassion. There can be a lot of anger coming out of these relationships, not only with the other person but also with ourselves. In time, the anger is often replaced by sadness for that part of us or that younger self that was hurt. We can actually nurture that part of ourselves.
Seek Support. We can share our experience with those we trust. Having our reality heard is essential if we have been living with smoke, mirrors, and gaslighting. Psychotherapy, especially with someone knowledgeable about narcissistic traits and relationship dynamics, is important.
Hold Onto Our Truth. Being in a long-term relationship with a narcissist (such as a parent or a spouse) can be mindboggling. Even as an experienced psychiatrist with early expertise in attachment-related disorders, I am vulnerable…not as much as I used to be, but still vulnerable. Many of us who have been harmed or taken advantage of knew early on that something didn’t feel right or didn’t make sense. Still, we couldn’t reconcile our uncomfortable feelings with how things appeared on the surface.
We are wired for connection. Our default is to trust people. In this case, we need to trust ourselves first.
Until next time,
Courtney
For Further Information
Love Bombing - https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/love-bombing
Gaslighting
Medical Disclaimer:
This newsletter is for educational purposes and not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment for either yourself or others, including but not limited to patients that you are treating (if you are a practitioner). Consult your own physician for any medical issues that you may be having.
In my experience, taking time away from a person, however long it takes to see things clearly, is essential. Learned that lesson the hard way.
These types are very skilled at "smoke and mirrors". Throwing nonsense at a person to keep them off balance, keep them reacting, so they cant see the relationship for what it really is.
Hi Dr. Snyder, how do I become a paid subscriber to your Substack site! TY