The Many Factors That Can Disrupt Attachment
The Many Factors That Can Disrupt Attachment
Why Love is Not Enough, Cultural Differences, Nazi Parenting Manual, Cycle of Abuse, Narcissistic Family Dynamic, Family Stress, Poor Quality Day Care, Screen Media
In a recent newsletter, I discussed how our attachment experiences during our first three years shaped our autonomic nervous system, stress response, sense of self-worth, expectations of others, and view of the world.
Even though we don’t “remember” our first three years with our thinking brains, our infant and toddler selves still live in our neurophysiology - in how we manage stress, regulate our emotions, experience our body, connect with others, and think about ourselves.
Our culture tends to consider early life experiences as all good or all bad. “We were either abused, reared in an institution or foster care, or we weren’t. Our parents either loved us or they didn’t.”
In this newsletter, I’ll discuss:
The many ways attachment can be disrupted.
Why does parental love by itself does not translate to a secure attachment.
How culture impacts attachment and how attachment impacts later culture.
Example of mass attachment disruption - the Nazi parenting manual.
Less obvious attachment disruption from family stress, a narcissistic family dynamic, and poor-quality daycare
Screen media’s intrusion on attachment
As infants….
Most of us haven’t been directly impacted by war or famine. Many of us haven’t been abused or severely neglected. Some of us have. However, we all have been shaped by cultural influences, whether it was the medicalization of childbirth, which separated newborns from their mothers, the shunning of breastfeeding, the “cry it out” approach to bedtime, or screen media intended to calm and sedate infants in place of a caregiver.
As parents….
Our choices can be impacted greatly by our circumstances. We may be a single working parent struggling to keep our infant fed in a country without policies that support this time of development. We may have financial resources, but we believe we have no choice but to obey the parenting advice of experts, marketers, family, or friends. And unless we’re conscious, which can be hard when parenting very young children, we’re all making choices influenced by our own early and “forgotten” experiences.
Love’s Not Enough
While “attachment” is about love and our first connection to another human being, it is also decidedly...not ...about...love. As parents, we can love our children and have perfect intentions, and still make choices that lead to unintended trauma. By trauma, I mean a severe or persistent physiologic stress response that leaves its mark on the body.
As parents, we can experience tragedy and adversity during our child’s earliest years. Our stress inevitably will affect our child, and more so if we don’t have support. Still, loving our children and having good intentions doesn’t build a foundation, just as loving flowers and intending to plant them don’t make for a flourishing garden. It takes learning about what flowers need. It takes time (from one, two, or more gardeners)...and still,..... there can be unexpected weather conditions.
Cultural Differences
While some attachment features seem to be shared worldwide, others vary widely. Some of us are born into a “child-centered” world, emphasizing the bond between an infant and a primary caregiver. While this may seem optimal, it’s not if it leaves parents feeling stressed out and not seeking help from others when they and their child need it.
An exclusive parent-infant bond would likely not bode well for a child born in the Cameroonian Nso community, where maternal exclusivity is discouraged. This goal of having children used to everyone and loving everyone equally may, in part, be driven by high maternal death rates. In Kenya, Kissi mothers carry their babies everywhere but avoid eye contact, which is felt to convey power to the child and lead to attention seeking.
While our culture shapes our child-rearing practices, our child-rearing practices will shape our culture, or at least the culture we’ll live in when the youngest among us are the adults in charge.
Mass Dehumanization
When we are trying to understand what led a group to engage in genocide or terrorism, I want to know, “How were the group (of perpetrators) treated as infants and toddlers - what was their attachment experience?”
Nazi educator and physician Johanna Haarer wrote “The German Mother and Her First Child,” of which 600,000 copies were made. This manual on caring for an infant existed for the seeming purpose of preparing children for submission to the Nazi regime. The intent, which was aligned with the philosophy of the Hitler Youth movement, was to rear children who would be brave, obedient, disciplined, and have no self-pity, self-indulgence, or self-concern.
The manual, terrifying in the big picture of humanity, said babies should be separated from their mothers for 24 hours after their birth and placed in a separate room. This separation, the book advised, should continue for three months. The mother and infant would only be together for 20 minutes for breastfeeding, during which time she was not allowed to play with the infant. Mothers were discouraged from caring, rocking, or attempting to comfort their crying babies.
With that type of attachment experience, one could only expect a population full of fear, obedience to authority, and a lack of empathy. It’s not a coincidence that Haarer and others described babies as “pre-human” and the Nazis described the Jews and many other’s as “subhuman.” This dehumanization of infants and of “the other'' made it possible to commit atrocities.
Attachment Disruptors
As parents, we can have our trauma, addictions, and illness - mental and/or physical. As parents, we can be preoccupied with another child who is sick. We can be struggling financially and be glad just to be able to feed our children. A natural disaster can impact our world.
We may have been abused, neglected, or experienced threats of abandonment ourselves as children. For anyone who thinks, “I would never” (cause a child harm), you can be grateful because it’s unlikely you had these experiences as an infant or toddler. The cycle of abuse can occur if children are victims of abuse and/or neglect but also if they witness violence between their parents or caregivers.
Transgenerational Transmission
A toddler’s attachment style can predict their attachment style as an adult and how they will respond to their children’s attachment needs (if there are no interventions). Reversely, an adult’s attachment style reflects their attachment style as a toddler and is a window into how able their parents were to meet their needs. Other root causes can also be at play.
Less Obvious Attachment Disruption - The Narcissistic Family
There doesn’t have to be overt abuse or severe neglect. We may project our unresolved conflicts onto our children by idealizing one and disliking the other. We may be jealous of our infants and toddlers if our partner or spouse favors them. We may be preoccupied with our careers. Maybe this information about the importance of the first three years of life never crossed our path or seemed important if it had.
Maybe we don’t realize our family system is upside down. The children’s emotional needs are secondary to the parent's emotional needs, or the children’s primary focus is on keeping the parents happy at the expense of developing an inner life.
In this system, which I‘ll refer to as the “Narcissistic Family,” there isn’t obvious abuse or addiction. Everything can look just right - maybe too right - leaving the child feeling that what is wrong is them. As teens and then as adults, their struggles mirror those of “adult children of alcoholics.” Because they can’t put their finger on the problem (there was no obvious abuse and no alcohol to speak of) and because they idealize their parents, many have difficulties finding healthy relationships as adults. Many will repeat their early experience and find themselves compulsively caregiving in their work and relationships at the expense of their well-being.
Family Stress
Even less obvious still is when there’s simply high stress around the child. There could be significant family stress due to poverty, divorce, or multiple moves. The child’s emotional needs may be set as a priority, however, the stress around the child is so high inevitably their brain development is impacted.
Research shows that parents’ or caregivers’ stress affects the child’s developing brain structure and chemistry in ways that make them more susceptible to stress-related disorders later in life. It makes sense. As infants and toddlers, our survival depends on our attention to our parents’ stress response. By way of our autonomic nervous system (and thus without conscious thought), we are taking in the stress response of those around us through their facial expressions and the tone of their voice.
Poor Quality Day Care
Several studies have examined stress hormone levels in children in daycare settings compared to home care. Researchers find that children who spent significant amounts of time in poor-quality daycare (meaning high ratios of children to adults, less supportive relationships, and harsh adult-child interactions) had higher elevations of cortisol. Those with more sensitive temperaments were even more vulnerable.
Screens
The more time infants and toddlers spend in front of a screen, the less time they spend interacting with others and exploring and manipulating their environment.
The American Psychiatric Association’s recommends:
0-12 months - no screen time except video chatting with family and friends
Younger than 18 months: 18-24 months - only high-quality educational media with parietal engagement
2-5 yrs: no more than 1 hour a day
Most children today under 5 watch more screen time than is recommended. We are only starting to see the impacts of screen media on early development and attachment.
Children who watched any TV or DVDs at 12 months were twice as likely by 36 months to experience “atypical sensory processing.” This could look like sensitivity to loud noises, bright lights, and problems with certain clothing because of a sensitivity to certain textures, among other differences
Parental absorption in media was found to significantly predict attachment insecurity.
When it comes to attachment, there will never be perfection. There can, however, be more education and greater value placed on the first three years of life. With secure attachment comes greater resiliency, stress tolerance, autonomy, connection, emotional regulation, contentment, and cognitive functioning.
In an upcoming newsletter, I’ll discuss the adult attachment styles - secure, avoidant/dismissive, anxious/preoccupied, and disorganized/fearful.
Your comments and questions are always appreciated.
Please consider sharing if you’d like to help me get this information into the world.
Until next time,
Courtney
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Medical Disclaimer: This newsletter is for educational purposes and not intended or implied to be a substitute for professional medical advice, diagnosis or treatment for either yourself or others, including but not limited to patients that you are treating (if you are a practitioner). Consult your own physician for any medical and psychiatric issues that you may be having.
I am 75. My mother was bipolar. I am quite sure that along with early head traumas (not abuse) I have a neurological disorder (Parkinson’s?).
Our 14 month old granddaughter has a lot of screen time from her gamer parents and she recently stopped talking when she was starting toooo. So disturbing but they think screen time is a must. How do you recommend us bringing it up?