Traits of Emotionally Immature & Self-Involved Parents

Potential Causes (Including Biochemical Roots & Hemispheric Dominance)

The last newsletter, focused on overfunctioning, compulsive caregiving, and codependence. I described the common environmental roots - early childhood experiences often with an emotionally immature or self-involved parent.

In this post, I’ll address traits of caregivers who lacked (likely because of their own early life experiences and biochemistry) appropriate emotional responsiveness to their child or children.   Recognizing these traits in anyone in our lives (partners, spouses, friends, coworkers, service providers) can be useful as well.  In fact, if we find ourselves gravitating to individuals with these traits, we very likely have/had a parent who shares these traits as well.

Less Obvious, But Still Damaging

When there are obvious early life circumstances, such as parental illness or poverty, it can be obvious why a child’s emotional needs were not met.  The impacts of overt abuse, too, can be more evident.  But here, I’m focusing on the situation in which the harm is less obvious, but still damaging.  Often these parents are very successful in other aspects of their life, which further masks these issues.

In adult attachment assessments, idealizing one’s parents or childhood can be a red flag for attachment related issues. Someone with a secure attachment wouldn’t describe their childhood and their parents as basically perfect or ideal.  A securely attached person has a more nuanced, flexible and real description that would include positives and negatives.

A great book to help about this topic is Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, by Lindsay C. Gibson, PsyD.  I appreciate Dr. Gibson’s wisdom, compassion and clarity. I also appreciate that she doesn’t use the word “narcissistic” to describe these parents, even if in some cases it may be very appropriate.  The word “immature” makes these insights more available to a wider range of people.   

Characteristics of Families with Emotionally Immature or Self-Involved Parents.

(Terms were borrowed from Murray Bowen’s family systems theory)

• Enmeshment: lack of boundaries, parent are too involved in their children’s lives, relationship between parents and children can appear to stand still in time, roles are maintained even as the children become adults.

• Parents project unresolved issues onto their children: One example is obvious favoring of one child.  The parent essentially is projecting the idealized parts of themself onto one child and projecting their perceived negative parts onto another child.  Both children (but in some cases the idealized child more) will internalize that false self and perpetually play that role.

• Triangulation: family members talking about other family members who are not present, relationships going through the immature parent.  This often allows the emotionally immature parent to control the system (in an attempt to lower their anxiety).